


Odi et Amo

by divine529



Series: To See a World in a Snowflake [2]
Category: Sherlock (TV)
Genre: Angst, Classics, Internal Monologue, M/M, No Dialogue, Pictures, Pining, Realizations, Self-Hatred, Sherlock's past is sad, mentions of Catullus, mentions of bullying
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-16
Updated: 2016-09-16
Packaged: 2018-08-15 07:37:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 551
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8047969
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/divine529/pseuds/divine529
Summary: Missing scene from TSaWiaS after the Greece trip. Sherlock returns to his house and comes to a (dumb) decision.





	Odi et Amo

Once Sherlock got back to his house after leaving the airport, he went straight to his room. His school trip to Greece was absolutely wonderful as expected, but it was even better because John was there.

Of course, he was still getting over Victor and his betrayal, but Sherlock knew he’d always been drawn to John; his kind and caring nature, his passion and of course his it didn’t hurt that when he got angry or frustrated that it was even cuter, especially since he’s a shorter fellow.

On the trip, Sherlock couldn’t help but notice that there was more affection; little things, like lingering touches, and he definitely caught John staring at him from time to time. Also the prolonged exposure to each other didn’t help much either; spending every waking hour of every day together and oftentimes they roomed together.

Despite all of that, Sherlock couldn’t stop the insecurities and self-hatred from slipping in. As a small child his best friends were his bullies and his self-esteem was low. He was outgoing until age 11, when the bullying got worse and worse and he closed himself off from the world and in a sense, became a shell of a person. Now though, he had found himself again, largely thanks to John.

However, he couldn’t stop those fears from creeping in now; thoughts like _“Why on Earth would John like me?”_ and _“How has he stuck around as long as he has?”_ and his personal favorite, _“John has told me that I’m annoying on more than one occasion, does he even really consider me as a friend, or am I just one of those people he’s befriended and can’t get rid of?_ ”

The few friends Sherlock does have he’s constantly having to ask them those questions, or some variation of them at least.

Normally, he’s able to look past it, but now as he sits gently on his bed, cradling the gold framed picture of him and John the Christmas before he went to Florence, he can’t help but love and hate him at the same time. Of course, with those words, Catullus pops into his head, but he loves John because of who he is; outgoing, kind, intelligent in many ways, the list goes on, but he also hates John. He hates him for hurting him with his bitter comments about him being annoying and that he’s a lot to take from time to time, and yet giving off romantic vibes at the same time. Why does he stay if he thinks Sherlock is annoying and frustrating? Sherlock can’t understand it.

All he knows is that he’s keeping all of this to himself for as long as possible. He’ll take John in any form he can and if that means cutting back on the time they spend together in order to keep him from leaving, he’ll do it, no matter the agony he’s in. Because that’s who Sherlock is; he’ll sacrifice himself and his happiness for someone else, to his detriment. With that plan in mind, he brushes his fingertips over John’s face; the closest he’ll ever get to doing so, and sets the frame on his bedside table. With a lingering glance, he turns off his lamp, turns over and goes to sleep with tears in his eyes.

**Author's Note:**

> Odi et Amo - I hate and I love. It's a quote from Catullus' poem titled just that. It's 2 lines and it's perfect for how Sherlock is feeling here. 
> 
> Here's the poem:  
> "I hate and I love. Wherefore would I do this, perhaps you ask?  
> I do not know. But I feel that it happens and I am tortured."
> 
> That's the poem that's going through his head in the fic. 
> 
> I promise more is coming (I just got a large wave of inspiration), but I just started law school so who knows when I'll get anything out. 
> 
> Follow me on [ tumblr](http://divine529.tumblr.com/) for updates!


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